Tara C. writes: I'm 26, a college grad, successfully employed, living solo for years, and mature. I live a couple of hours from my family members. My parents are both alive and I have two sibs.  My mom is "into" being Catholic, but she's the only one.

For about 3 or 4 years, I've continually been thinking that maybe I could live my life in a commitment as a sister . . . I've even gone so far as checking out websites, going on a "retreat" weekend, and talking with a couple of different groups.

The thing I can't seem to get a handle on is this- how do I approach this with my family? They will DEFINITELY freak.  My parents want grand kids and don't really have a clue about what being a sister means. The only sisters they've ever met are old retired ones. I feel like even talking with them about this whole thing will be stressful... stressful enough that I keep avoiding it.

S. Mary Lee responds: I think that telling parents about our plans for our future can always be a scary thing. Although I was younger than you when I decided to enter the convent, it was probably the farthest thing from my parents’ mind. I was active in school, dated and had friends. College was in my plans.  My father was Catholic in name, but not a church goer, my mother was Lutheran.  I told my parents what I wanted to do. They were quite stunned. I expected this response.  However, what happened after that was truly a gift from God. My parents were very supportive, became as involved as possible in my community’s activities and truly saw that I was happy in my decision and life. I think that all parents want to see happiness in a child’s life and although the original message may be somewhat of a surprise to them, when they see happiness in your choice, they too will be happy.

Tara C. writes: I already talked to the campus ministry guy at my old college.  He said "just do it."  Meaning, just talk to them. Not very helpful. That's not how my family works.

Got any suggestions?

BTW, I actually DO have a pretty decent relationship with my family members... but they are NOT open minded... and they will think I've gone off the deep end to even think about this. I don't want my decisions to become a rift.  I have seen that happen with friends who have gotten married to people their parents don't like . . . etc.

S. Patrice responds: I had similar concerns to yours.  My mom wasn't Catholic; my dad very conservative.  In fact, my father did kind of "freak" and still (more than 20 years later!!) still doesn't quite believe that I am happy and in the right place for me . . . 

Since I (like you) figured his initial response would be less than smooth, I spent time thinking through how I might best share this with him. I also found that a face-to-face discussion was helpful . . . and I spent time preparing so that, during the discussion, I could maintain an "adult" response . . . even if he did not!  After all, even if he did not think so, I was an adult making an adult decision . . . with lots of time and energy invested.

Though the discussion was hard for both of us, I think it helped me to put into words my love for my dad and my family . . . and to explain how that was intimately connected with my love for God, and God's for me.  Becoming a Salvatorian Sister was (and is) an AFFIRMATION of all that I had been brought up to be and believe.

I also found it helpful to frame it initially as "I'm going to explore this . . . " rather than "I'm going to join."  This was accurate I was very much "just" in the exploring stage!  And, it definitely took the pressure off my dad, particularly since he realized he had always taught us to explore new things.

I also made it a point to "keep him in the loop" as I explored and moved through each step or stage in the long process . . . letters, phone calls, visiting.  I invited him to visit often (he lived in NY and then Florida , and I in Milwaukee , so it wasn't often that he could or did). Sometimes he was more open than others to my decisions . . . and even now, even as he supports me in my choices and sees that I am happy . . . he still is a bit unsure of things.  He did come to my vows and has visited a couple of other times, too.  He always asks about the sisters with whom I am living . . . and, particularly as he has gotten more active in his own parish during these past years, has actually initiated some pretty profound sharing on issues of his own faith and growth - stuff I NEVER would have expected of him 20 years ago!

The good news is that, as an adult, I have been able to learn to be comfortable with his (and my two brothers' and one sister's) hesitations, etc.  I know I am happy here . . . and I know that this fact is evident. I know that helps them a lot!